Photos, videos, drawings - these are all wonderful memories of my daughter. I liked being a father, supported my mother and took care of myself. But at some point that wasn't right for her anymore. She knew herself what was good for her child – only she alone. That was at a time when we were still together.
When the breakup came, it continued. I was blackmailed: if I don't do what she wants, I will never see our child again. I didn't think it would come to this. Youth Welfare Office and Family Court judge according to the “best interests of the child”. I also had a very good relationship with my daughter and was willing to give up if it would help her.
Over the years, a lot of people came to us, who kept observing and examining us like laboratory rats. An uncomfortable feeling. Again and again it was found that my daughter feels comfortable with me and that I, as a father, am important for the little mouse. Only the mother saw it differently. She worked hard to convince my daughter what a bad person her father was. The little one suffered more and more and was heavily burdened. Realizing this broke my heart. I realized what was happening. The topic of alienation became clearer and clearer. I repeatedly warned the youth welfare office and the family court about this development.
They said I was badmouthing my mother. The only reason the child is doing badly is because the parents are fighting. The child must rest. Do you know these sayings? It seems to be the recurring mantra. But how am I supposed to end the argument when the mother is using every opportunity to ignite and propagate the argument with all her might? Nobody could answer this question for me. Everyone just watched as the predictable happened. The judge even gave the mother the "instructions for use" by saying "if the argument continues, the child will eventually reject the father completely". The mother then tightened the gait again significantly.
At some point, even a court expert spoke of the child's welfare being endangered by the mother's attitude. She then wanted to move – at exactly this point in time I lost contact with my daughter. Nobody tried to restore it. Instead, the mother was allowed to move away and the file could be closed with it. The youth welfare office and the family court had solved their problem with it. Over the years, no one has given the mother any indication that what she is doing would harm her own child. If she wants to take her daughter's father, she always gains weight, that's how it always seems to be done here, I had the impression more than once.
I never saw my daughter again – it's been more than four years now. At the new place of residence, 600 km away, the problem was recognised, the problem was identified and the alienation and danger were clearly identified, but they didn't want to do anything – they were familiar with the thick files, far too exhausting. The parents have to talk to each other, this is the only way the child can be helped. But what if the parent who is bothering the child and who has them with them doesn't want to talk at all? I am still waiting for the answer to this question.
My daughter is getting worse and worse. She has massive psychological problems and has to go to therapies and clinics. At least that's what I learn from her court records. Nobody is doing anything – and has been for years. The “skilled workers” capitulated a long time ago. I'm supposed to give them peace, don't do any work for them and there's nothing you can do about it.
I don't want anyone to come up with the term "child welfare" anymore. This is child abuse and the courts and youth welfare offices have been watching for years. But yes, the child needs the mother. I've heard this saying over and over again. I have never questioned this either. Originally I wanted the interchangeable model for our little one so that she could continue to have mum and dad. The mother wanted to live out “her child” and live out her own childhood traumas with her. She is now transferring her own story to our daughter and the trauma lives on in the next generation.
Today only the money changes instead of the child. It feels like I've been raped and still have to pay for it every month. As I can see from the court records, I'm just a monster to my daughter. With every year that contact is lost, the stories she tells become more absurd. These are not consistent in content or contradict each other. An expert would probably speak of end-stage parent-child alienation. Nobody did anything to protect my daughter from it - and that for ten years.
On the one hand, when I'm shopping or with friends and see how fathers take care of their children, I'm happy for them. On the other hand, it hurts not being allowed to be a father anymore. Birthdays, Christmas, places I've been with my little mouse and seeing her former classmates grow up - it all hurts a lot. As is the knowledge that my daughter is not well and will suffer loss of life. In her perception, I am responsible for everything bad in her life. "There were never good times with my father, he never took care of me," she said in a recent survey. Everyone just looked depressed, knew from the thick mountains of files that that was definitely not true - on the contrary. But they leave her this picture because Mama wants it that way.
When I see repeated reports in the media that fathers should get more involved, I can only shake my head. Yes, of course that would be great. I was a committed father, would have done anything for my child. Today I should actually warn every man against becoming a father. The risk of becoming just a payroll is incalculably high in Germany. And our state is not willing to protect children. I learned that too. You could also call it discrimination. Is there also discrimination among men?
Am I a tragic isolated case? no I now know a lot of them. The courier, the accountant, the IT developer, the industrial mechanic, the tiler, the teacher – I keep bumping into “dispossed” fathers everywhere. And when some of them had contact with their children again years later, they were mostly mentally broken, had therapies and clinics behind them or alcohol and drug careers.
Parent-child alienation is cruel. For the alienated parent and for the child. It is a form of abuse that is pervasive and easy to see. I cried when I saw the movie Because You Belong To Me. I had to watch the film with several interruptions. In many places it was my story, except that in the end nobody intervened.
Next Christmas I'll sit with my partner and her children in "merry round". My little mouse's grandmother, my mother, will also be there again. She too has had no sign of life from her grandchild for years. Letters and gifts are not answered or are returned. At the Christmas table there is always one chair that feels empty – the chair of my little mouse. I think of her every day. Sometimes the good times, sometimes the tears come to my eyes. I know I'm a father to the end of my days. But not being able to be there for my little mouse, not even knowing what she looks like today, is inhuman and causes me unimaginable pain.
In my heart I will always love my little mouse and if one day she does show up at my door, it will always be open for her, no matter what happened in the past. I'm not giving up hope because she is and will always be my daughter.
