My parents separated when I was four years old. They argued afterwards - about money, about the house, about everything. But mostly about me.  

At my mother's instigation, I became estranged from my father. I know that today. As a child, I knew my father was bad and my mother was good. I also thought that my paternal grandmother didn't want anything to do with me while my mother's parents spoiled me every weekend.  

My mother, her sister and her friends have done their best to give me a good life and to make me realize that I don't need a father. I would have liked to have had one myself – most of my classmates had one, but the children of my mother's acquaintances tended not to. My childhood was shaped by talking about court hearings, scolding the judges, the youth welfare office, etc. None of them had any idea what my father was really like. But that was always an issue in the family.  

I attracted attention at school: once my father was allegedly a police officer, then on a military operation, later a journalist and then the coach of the national soccer team. My father was none of that. But he was my father. My longings, my anger and my questions have blossomed wildly.   

My uncle then helped me to reconnect with my father. I was always very afraid of that. Finally I thought I knew that he was evil and wanted nothing more to do with me.  

Or not?  

Yes, he wanted! We first met secretly and later, after many discussions, in public. My mother was very sad about that. Also, I definitely wasn't nice to her during that time. I have realized that she has been telling lies about my father almost my entire life. My mother had robbed me of my father and with it an important part of my childhood. What I did to her out of "revenge" I'd rather forget myself.  

For many years, as a teenager and even as an adult, I have had to think about who I invite when I have my confirmation, when I win a sports trophy, when I get married, when I have children of my own. If my mother comes, my father doesn't dare. If I invite my father, my mother won't come. I'll invite both of them...I didn't want to think about that. I was always in a dilemma.   

If I hadn't been so burdened and if I had recognized the resulting mechanisms, my first marriage would not have ended in divorce after a short time. Today I am married for the second time, we have two sons and a daughter. They are almost grown up and endowed with a lot of love from mother and father, three grannies and two grandpas. My daughter wants to invite them all to her wedding! 

The estrangement from my father shaped my life and destroyed large parts of it. I can't forgive my mother for that. I still have a bad conscience towards my father, even if he never let me feel it. I can only hope that my children and grandchildren will be spared this fate!